Border Patrol Stories
Snake Charmer
I knew Allison well. She was one of my trainees and kind of a kooky hippy chick - all 90 pounds of her -who caught rattle snakes and made belts and hat bands outta them as a hobby. Nobody knew what to make of her. A lot of us weren't fond of snakes., like Indiana Jones.
Some guys in Yuma had a proclivity for pranking other agents with snakes. Snakes in lockers, snakes in Ram Chargers. Hopefully, the snakes were in paper bags, sometimes not. That doesn't even count the snakes who showed up of their own volition.
One afternoon we were in the middle of a shift briefing, when somebody opened up a mail drawer directly behind me and that unmistakable BUZZZZ was heard. Somebody yelled SNAKE!!! And in less than a split second there were about 30 guys up on the tables and chairs scanning the floor with their magnums out. I'm sure I was one of the first ones onto a briefing table. Out the corner of my eye I see the PAIC appear in the hallway from his office. Spying the turmoil, and not missing a step, the PAIC did a perfect military about-face and disappeared. Poof! Gone.
In the chaos, Allison calmly walks over in her dress uniform, peeks into the mail drawer and in a flash grabs up the sidewinder. And with the thing writhing and curling around her arm, (yuk) Allison just shakes her head at us, looking all disgusted, sighing, "You guys....." and then saunters out the back door to release it above the canal.
Now there's 30 guys looking sheepishly at each other, cautiously holstering their magnums and gingerly, very gingerly, climbing down off the chairs and tables.
Everybody then sat down and gave the shift supervisor their full and undivided attention, as if nothing had happened. No official mention of it was ever made. It was as if nothing had ever happened. But it sure gave the us all something to talk about later. In one fell swoop Allison had one-upped every macho hairy chested guy in the sector, including the PAIC.
Some guys in Yuma had a proclivity for pranking other agents with snakes. Snakes in lockers, snakes in Ram Chargers. Hopefully, the snakes were in paper bags, sometimes not. That doesn't even count the snakes who showed up of their own volition.
One afternoon we were in the middle of a shift briefing, when somebody opened up a mail drawer directly behind me and that unmistakable BUZZZZ was heard. Somebody yelled SNAKE!!! And in less than a split second there were about 30 guys up on the tables and chairs scanning the floor with their magnums out. I'm sure I was one of the first ones onto a briefing table. Out the corner of my eye I see the PAIC appear in the hallway from his office. Spying the turmoil, and not missing a step, the PAIC did a perfect military about-face and disappeared. Poof! Gone.
In the chaos, Allison calmly walks over in her dress uniform, peeks into the mail drawer and in a flash grabs up the sidewinder. And with the thing writhing and curling around her arm, (yuk) Allison just shakes her head at us, looking all disgusted, sighing, "You guys....." and then saunters out the back door to release it above the canal.
Now there's 30 guys looking sheepishly at each other, cautiously holstering their magnums and gingerly, very gingerly, climbing down off the chairs and tables.
Everybody then sat down and gave the shift supervisor their full and undivided attention, as if nothing had happened. No official mention of it was ever made. It was as if nothing had ever happened. But it sure gave the us all something to talk about later. In one fell swoop Allison had one-upped every macho hairy chested guy in the sector, including the PAIC.
Another night I caught a guy who inexplicably swam the All American Canal naked, leaving all of his clothes on the other side in the process. Not a stitch of clothing to his name did he have. He offered that he'd swim back to the other side, get his clothing and then swim back to us, but we kinda didn't believe him. Allison got on the radio few minutes later and wanted to know if we had any 10-15's to transport to the station. I told her we had about 8, plus a guy who was "starkers" and we'd be at "Pop's" - a hill above Andrade.
Allison asked on the radio what "starkers" meant, but after all the microphone clicking ended I didn't answer.
Allison shows up about 30 minutes later and cheerfully starts lining up our catch to load into her van. We saved the nudist for last and when she saw him Allison and all the aliens, who were in on the gag, got the giggles really bad Some of them were even clapping and cheering. It took her awhile to gain her composure, but she told him to get his naked ass into her vehicle. Allison was a good sport. She was kooky, but a good person to have with you when there were snakes around, or you needed to transport a nudist.
Allison asked on the radio what "starkers" meant, but after all the microphone clicking ended I didn't answer.
Allison shows up about 30 minutes later and cheerfully starts lining up our catch to load into her van. We saved the nudist for last and when she saw him Allison and all the aliens, who were in on the gag, got the giggles really bad Some of them were even clapping and cheering. It took her awhile to gain her composure, but she told him to get his naked ass into her vehicle. Allison was a good sport. She was kooky, but a good person to have with you when there were snakes around, or you needed to transport a nudist.
Snake Charmer
DISCLAIMER: The views and experiences shared in this story are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of HonorFirst.com, the U.S. Border Patrol, or any government agency. These stories are presented for historical and cultural insight and have been submitted by current or former Border Patrol employees with minimal editing for clarity.
